|Xanga is my place of solitude. A place where I can put down the cool guy facade and bleed a little. I just finished watching "man on fire" where a little girl was kidnapped for ransom money and her body guard went on a mission to get her back. When her body guard first met her, he was a depressed alcoholic who wanted forgiveness for the horrible things he's done. He was sad and never spoke. This little girl taught him that it was okay to live again. She brought light to a dark man. Throughout the movie the body guard killed the kidnappers family and anyone who was connected with kidnapping the little girl. At the end of the movie the body guard made a deal with the kidnappers. The deal was "a life for a life". If the body guard would give up his life to the kidnappers, then the kidnappers would let the little girl go. I wept. Because the girl showed Jesus to her body guard and showed him it was okay to live again, the body guard showed Jesus to her and died for her. It was just beautiful. We are all desperate, lonely people looking for a place in this world. Jesus came and showed us home. He taught us love and eventually showed us love by dying for us. There is no greater love than this that a man lay down his life for his friends. We are Jesus's friends. He took our place, He made a way. When sin demanded justice for my soul, Mercy said no. We can't get our minds around an unconditional love because we are conditional beings. Society teaches "you do this, you get that." Jesus teaches "you dont do this, you still get that." it's grace. It's love. We should say those two words with a reverence. Let the weak say I am strong, let the poor say I am rich, because of what the Lord has done. Hallelujah.|
Criticism is never easy to hear even if its constructive criticism. You ever hear someone criticizing you and you werent suppose to hear it? Yeah, it stinks and it makes you feel flawed. It was the truth though.
A bible verse that always interested me was, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he". I think its important that we have a certain confidence about ourselves. I think there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. They say that for every comment spoken to someone, it takes 4 positive comments to reverse it. Its crazy how much power our words carry. I always do better when an att-a-boy is thrown my way.
I had a fantastice weekend in North Georgia with my family. I was able to hang out with my nephew Kyle for a whole day. We rode a 4 wheeler together, went exploring, and swung on a tire swing. I noticed that he wasnt the least bit concerned with the other children his age. He sometimes doesnt respond well to his name. He hardly ever says more than one word at a time. After Kyle went home, my mother and I were talking about all this and she told me that the doctors think he might have autism. My heart was so broken. Its been like a weight on my chest ever since I heard the news. I love him so much. So very much. I hate to think that he might not progress socially as some other kids. I felt bad, but then I watched videos on autism on youtube and it brought me to tears and put me on my face talking to God.
They call autism a disorder. They called ADHD a disorder and I was diagnosed with and put on medication that numbed me to the core. I feel like all this might work itself out for Kyle and where some PHD's might call it a disorder, we can call it a gift. I thank God that I was created in His image and not Doctor Joe Blow's.
It was also a time for self reflection for me when I might of been harsh on parents because their children were off the chain. You just never know someones story and where they come from. I could of grown up with kids with autism and never knew it. Its not exactly something people want to broadcast. How harsh have I been on someone who hasnt came from the genetic pool of the norm?
Growing as a person. Even at 24, I dont have it figured out.
I gotta get out of this town. I have to move away and make it back to a place I call home where there is stuff to do and warm friendly people to hang with. God knows I'm an outsider here in waycross. This should be my motivation. I bought a house down here in South Georgia. I have to get out of this place. I have to get out of this pace. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE. I want to go somewhere with mountains, rivers, streams, and rock formations. I want to go to an awesome home church that has no agenda on building a cathedral.
The squeeze is worth the juice? I cant even believe thats the tag line of my xanga. Truth be told, Im tired of being squeezed. Im like an orange who has no juice left. I just want to be a pilgrim passing through! Is this something that us Christians tell eachother to make eachother feel better?! ITS NOT WORKING UNLESS YOU CAN SEE HEIN SIGHT! Which brings me back to my next theological mind boggler. Jesus said to the disciples, "I have many things to tell you, but you are not ready to receive them". Maybe He doesnt give us that "hein sight" I was talking about earlier cause our little hearts couldnt take it all if He did. If God told me about my journey and what was going to happen for the last 6 years, I would cry bull shit. Real talk for real people. Maybe this verse (like all verses in the bible) is 100 percent true.
Maybe at the end of the day all we can do is be still and know...that He is. Seems to be the message of the summer.
Next mind boggler for next xanga post. Justified by faith vs The justified shall live by faith.
To my four xanga friends who still update from time to time, Michael, Andy, Christina, and Amanda, I really have enjoyed our secret society of Xanga.
Its no mystery to me who Jesus is. I could go on this rant forever. He's the express image of the Father. God and Jesus are one. You get it.
Its a mystery to me to know Gods plan. To know His hand. To know His sovereignty. To know his thoughts toward me. The thoughts that are more than sand. To read scripture and know His master plan. To know what provisions are from His hand. To know when Hes protecting me. To know why Hes so away from me.
I dont understand. But am I meant to understand? This mystery wasnt suppose to be solved but maybe just to be still and know that He is.
I forgot xanga existed. I guess this has become my place of solitude while I ponder lives questions.
So Im shipwrecked in a rural south georgia town called waycross. I bought a house and got the deal of the century on it. The problem is that there isnt much for a young single man in a place like this. Ive always felt different and a bit of an outsider wherever I go, but this is to the extreme. There are no mountains to hike, or rocks to climb. Its a sandy plateau with pecan orchards and pine tree farms. If you dont drive a truck, wear wranglers, and have the circle of dip in the back of your jeans, you just might not fit in. The concept of "muddin" really doesnt excite me. I would love to ride 4-wheelers but I just cant justify paying that kind of money on any hobby.
I feel alone.... And I feel like its going to be this way for a good while.
Couple of hobbies that have interested me as of late are....
Canoeing! We have this swampy river called the Satilla that is loaded with gators and snakes. I would love to buy a canoe and plunge right in but i think a cano requires a wing man. I really need a wing man. I hang out with people who are weigh older than me. I need a stand up dude who doesnt have any children to try this out with me.
Rock climbing! It is in my financial ability to build an artificial wall in my backyard and start having a great time. I told myself that I was going to pay off my car before I started making large purchases. This should save me mondo money in the end. Rock climbing was always a sport I loved. Too bad I didnt have 150 lb build for it. Blah. When you are naturally built like a linebacker, it makes it quite difficult to climb on a semi-pro level. Fun none the less.
Volleyball. The YMCA has a league in the winter time that I would love to play on.
Running. I dont exactly enjoy running. I enjoy winning. It would be fun to win a race and start doing some of the local races I hear about in town. Also would help me lose some weight!
Well true believers, that is it for my once a year xanga blabber.